This started off as an exercise journal/ fitness log, and oh oh! I haven't worked out! It's going on four or five days, this is no good! And I have been perusing Facebook and to my dismay have found that I look chunkier/thicker in my most recent pictures. Ahhh, yeah! That happens when a girl stops working out for as long as I have. During the school year, I was on a roll! Drop off my son at school and go straight to the gym to hit the 9:30am class four days a week. But summer, well, that's a tough one for me. Not only does my son not like going to the gym on a frequent basis, but I dont' work during the summer, so I watch my gas like it's a precious commodity. Also, there are all kinds of fun things going on, parks, camps, people visiting from out of town, family in from Mexico, fairs, carnivals, parties, picnics, you name it!
The truth is... if I have to be completely honest, I have been feeling myself getting wider. AND I think I do it on purpose. I know this sounds totally crazy, but I must have a blind spot about this because I sabotage my own success. I don't know why. It first came up when I was doing one of the seminars of the Landmark Forum. I never really quite got the breakthrough to discover the why, it was enough for me to see that I was even doing it. It's like I'm fearful of success. I kind of like staying mediocre, it's comfortable here. I know what to expect. It's not just about my weight, it's about everything. Is that not sick?? Ugh, I hate myself for it, and still I can't change it. Or I won't change it, or something. Maybe I should go back to Landmark and have a breakthrough in it. Go there with that one intention. I may be assuming you know what the Landmark Forum is, if you don't know it's a three day weekend event that costs a pretty penny (although it's not in the thousands range) and works with ontology. Basically, it's the study of being. I find it awe-inspiring that you can put two individuals in the same circumstance and they'll both BE different about it. This happens all the time, and it's not as amazing as it seems but it is something to think about. Why do you act the way you act? Why do you assume what you assume? Why do you do what you do? Why are you the way you are? Especially knowing that you don't have to be. That someone else in your circumstance or exact same situation may do things differently. And really all of our lives are an accumulation of these choices. These patterns that go on and on, on a daily basis, without us even thinking about it anymore. Well, I love these kinds of seminars. It tickles my fancy! People think I'm a little cucko over Lucky Charms of Cocoa Puffs or whatever, but any time that there is an opportunity for genuine discovery, growth, and possibility, I get really excited. I think in that fashion, I will always be a student.
Lately, it just seems that it takes more and more, bigger and bigger, for me to get excited about. Don't get me wrong, I will go all googoo and melt into tears over seeing a flower grow in an unexpected place, or watching the sun shine through the clouds. Gosh, I'm an emotional roller coaster sometimes, but every once in a while, I swear I can be at peace with the world and hear God's intention in all of it. If you haven't noticed, I am a bit spiritual. I love God. But, you won't find me at church on Sunday. (Maybe I'll have a breakthrough in that some day.) Right now, I need to get my butt moving so I don't lose any more muscle or gain any more fat. I could finish blogging, get my workout clothes ready, and go workout. Wouldn't you be proud of me if I did that??
Want to know something I did today, that is not in my character? I put our Isuzu Rodeo on craigslist. We've been talking about it, and considering it, mulling it over, and thinking about it. But here is the thing, we don't need three cars with Kassandra going to college in a few weeks.... (pause/break)
As I was writing this I had the most delightful surprise, two unexpected lovely visitors, my parents! It's rare for my parents to visit me, so I went to open the door and obviously stopped writing. I'll finish telling you guys all about the truck tomorrow, I didn't go to workout today. So tomorrow, or since it's already midnight, in a few hours, I definitely will. More about this and that tomorrow, no time to spellcheck or re-read anything so excuse any errors. Good night, and sweet dreams!
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